A little fun
A cold day in Shawford, but sunny, with snowdrops blooming on the island, so despite my best intentions to stick online, I dug a bed in the garden. Now, with many online tasks still lying ahead of me, here is a post for fans of fun, which I'm sure includes all of us.
Brother Roger gave us Iain Hollingshead's second collection of Unpublished Letters to The Daily Telegraph, I Could Go On. . .
It follows in the witty, temporal vein of the first collection, Am I Alone in Thinking? A sampling -
When I'm 70
"SIR - I read your article on a local council giving older people advice on the safe fitting of slippers with great interest. As a 67-year-old motorcyclist I am wondering if my local council might offer me advice on how to put my boots on safely - at taxpayers' expense, naturally."
Martin Hands, Ilkeston, Derbyshire
"SIR - Despite being 70 I still often cover the back of my envelopes with 'Burma' (Be undressed ready, my Angel) and 'Norwich' (Knickers off ready when I come home), albeit without much response."
Dick Kemp, Greenhithe, Kent
Views on the EU
"SIR - It seems to me that while Britain remains in the EU, the only bit of our sovereignty we are likely to retain is our sovereign debt."
Mike Bridgeman, Market Lavington, Wiltshire
"SIR - I have a Swiss friend to whom I once mentioned that Switzerland had not joined the EU.
'Ah, no', she said. 'We may be small, but we are not stupid. . .'"
Patrick J. Ellis, Eggesford, Devon
A pun for Americans struggling with blizzards
"SIR - In light of the current weather is the Al Goreithm for global warming wrong?"
A. Grant, Epsom, Surrey
No discrimination at airport check-ins
"SIR - This is a brilliant and simple solution to the controversy over racial profiling. All passengers will be required to step into a booth that scans for explosive devices and automatically detonates any device found. Harmless individuals will be released immediately after being scanned. Muffled explosions, contained within the booth, will be followed by an announcement that a seat has become available for standby passengers.
It's a win-win for everyone."
Robert Readman, Bouremouth, Dorset
Why not more letters from women?
You may have wondered that, too. Are British men cornucopias of humour?
"SIR - . . .Do men possess better communication skills, write in a manner which is more likely to appeal to your editor, or is it possible that they have more time to hone their missives?
Yours, in haste, between cooking and washing up supper,"
Gillian Ellis, Oakwood, West Sussex
Remembrances of Time Lost: School reports
"When the workers of the world unite it would be presumptuous of Dewhurst to include himself among their number."
"Unlike the poor, Graham is seldom with us."
"The improvement in his handwriting has revealed his inability to spell."
The Telegraph's small book contains hundreds such epistles.
I Could Go On... by Iain Hollingshead (Aurum Press) is available from Telegraph Books for £9.99 plus 99p postage and packing. Please call 0844 871 1514 or go to books.telegraph.co.uk.